Broken
by big tears
Summary: She's going to be Mrs. Donald Ronald Douglas, and someone's not too happy... From Niles & Kit to the Niles & Daphne balcony scene. The standard disclaimer applies. COMPLETE
1. Broken

_-=-_

_"Oh, well, I feel so loose tonight I might fall to pieces  
So be prepared to sweep me out the door  
And I might be horizontal by the time the music ceases  
So I think I'll get acquainted with the floor"_

Elvis Costello, Cheap Reward

  


It's very interesting, the things a person might consider when they feel as if their world is going to end. I can hardly stand to shave in the morning without glancing at the razor blade, it's gleaming dangerousness imprinted in my mind. When I realize what I'm thinking, I get unbelievably nauseous. 

It's happened every day for a week, now.

It's amazing, the things a girl can do to a person. Daphne makes me go from docile to hotblooded, irate to cheerful, self-assured to horribly frightened. She makes my eyes water and my heart race. She puts ideas into my head that don't make sense until she explains. And every day fsince her engagement, she's been killing me. Her smiles, greetings, and goodbyes lessening my ability to breathe. I'm suffocating.

I'm suffocating, because she's found a man to be happy with... and it isn't me.

As I'm a friend of the bride, I was consulted for the design of the invitations. They're going to be adorable: Royal blue paper, silver lettering. A picture of him holding her in his arms -- she gave me a copy, which I burned. God, I wish I could hate her. I wish there was a bit of malice in me that was especially reserved for Daphne Moon, soon to be Daphne Douglass. But there isn't. I was convinced that Maris would be the last woman to injure me, and thus she's the only one who's got a bit of me with her. 

I can't hate Donny, either. I am, and always will be, eternally jealous of his courage... But he's made her happy. And I commend him for being able to do that. For seven long years I've watched Erics and Joes and Rodneys crush Daphne's heart, conniving, lying, cheating. I've been here for her as much as possible, patting her shoulder and drying her tears. Kindess hasn't done me much good, though. I'm sitting in my office, nearly suicidal, and a man nicknamed The Piranha is kissing her and smelling her hair. 

I wish I could die, or at least sleep through this whole ordeal. The non-engaged Daphne in my dreams is much better than the woman I see now. The soon-to-be wife of divorce lawyer Donny Douglass.

...Daphne Douglass.

It's as I notice the letter-opener on my desk that I decide it's time for a coffee break. 

_-=-_


	2. Fun

_-=-_

People do stupid things when they're overcome. Quite a few of my patients, for example, have found that when they fear their spouse is cheating, they start looking for someone else as well. If things are going wrong at work, instead of trying to fix the problem, they quit. A lot of things have been lost in their lives because of this sort of solution. I've always disagreed with the method these characters use as reason. Once, for instance...

There's a woman in my bed.

No. There's a _girl_ in my bed...

Well. That's a very... different thing to wake up to. She's pretty. 

What am I thinking? I've picked up a girl! A girl I probably don't even like -- I'll bet everything I know about her makes my skin crawl. And here I was, thinking I was exempt from the fate of all my patients... Sipping my sherry, carefully outside the bounderies of Idiocy and downright Lunacy! 

And now, in the clutches of desperation, slowly boiling over into absolute madness, I've found myself next to a potential disaster.

Kit.

Oh, _hell_, I even hate her name. And yet... She _is_ something entirely different from... From Her. She might be able to take my mind off of all my problems... I can at least try to put up with, well, whatever this new experience has in store for us. She looks refreshing.Young. I'll bet I'd enjoy hearing her views on the world. It would be very interesting to see what life looks like from her point of view.

And you don't have to like a person to have a relationship with them, really... Even if it ends prematurely. Look at Frasier and Lilith. I'm sure Kit couldn't be nearly as strange as Lilith was. Is.

If she is, it ends.

Who knows? This could be... Well... from what I remember of last night, this could be fun.

_-=-_


	3. Why?

_-=-_

_"In visions of the dark night  
I have dreamed of joy departed-  
But a waking dream of life and light  
Hath left me broken-hearted."_

Edgar Allan Poe, A Dream

Kit's gone.

After a week of childish behavior -- things I wasn't fit for thirty years ago -- we've left each other. I honestly don't know what I was thinking with that girl, other than "fun". She had almost talked me into purchasing a red Mustang, for God's sake. And I wore leather, which -- although I look rather good in it -- is horribly uncomfortable and makes strange noises when you move.

Recently, I've also escaped from the greedy talons of a prostitute named Sabrina, who took more from my wallet than from my heart. Damn those escort agencies posing as dating services...

So, I'm alone again. How splendid.

It always seems that when I'm alone, I notice Daphne and Donny more than necessary. Jealousy courses freely through my veins, and I've had to remove all my cooking knives from the cabinet... Frasier took them for me. I've been living off of French bistros and little packages of biscotti. And every night, I sit at home with a book of poetry. Usually St. Vincent Millay or Poe... Ninety percent of the time it's a depressing love sonnet. The other ten percent, scribblings of pain, and years of longing for something unattainable.

Daphne wasn't unattainable. At least, not for a man like Donny.

Here I go again. Off in my world of dejection and torment... I sound absolutely pathetic. The interesting thing is, I don't really care. Frasier and Dad may think I'm being a jackass, but -- and this may seem terribly silly -- Daphne is a woman worth mourning. I could cry every night for thirty years and wouldn't feel the least bit ashamed.

And I _will_ cry for thirty years, because I don't know what to do with myself.

I can go on with my charade, I suppose, although three out of the four people I generally associate with are already a part of my little secret. What's the point in pretending if most everyone knows? Of course, if I say a word, I could ruin Daphne's happiness. I could ruin her engagement...

Part of me says that's a good thing. That eventually, she'll forgive me and we'll live the rest of our lives together in joy. But, she loves him the way I love her, and she is the kind of woman who would want to honor her wedding vows, just as I did with Maris. It's so peculiar: even though I'm angry at the mere idea of the two of them, even though I can't stand the thought that she chose _him_, I still admire and love her the way I always have.

...Always will.

God... did she really _have_ to pick him? Donny Douglas, divorce lawyer? He's... short! Tactless; crude; and I don't think he wears much deoderant! He says he'll give her stars -- I'd give her the sun and the moon in a heartbeat. She wouldn't have to wait. I'd give her everything she'll ever dream of...

But that's not what she wants. She wants simple. Donny is a simple, manly man who likes to do manly things with other manly men. Having a career that involves shouting at people doesn't exactly hurt his masculinity, either. He's traditional. Lovable.

And I guess I'm just... none of the above. It's highschool all over again.

_-=-_


	4. Dejection

_-=-_

_"Heart and soul  
I begged to be adored  
Lost control  
And tumbled overboard..."_

H. Charmichael/F. Loesser/Larry Clinton/Helen Ward, Heart & Soul

  


There's something wrong with Dr. Crane.

Everyone thinks I don't notice... Daphne's busy doing the housework, she couldn't possibly know. She'd never notice that glimmer of pain in his eyes. She wouldn't notice that there are more frown lines on his face than there ever were before. But I do. How could I not notice that there was something wrong with one of my best friends?

I am a sensitive sort of person -- and my psychic abilities only add to the fact that I notice. I always used to know when there was a feud going on with Simon, Nigel, Michael and Billy. They'd never look each other directly in the eye -- then again, Simon and Nigel _never_ looked Billy in the eye... mostly because they were disturbed that he was wearing Mum's mascara. But there was just something about them. An aura, so to speak.

Dr. Crane has an aura, as well. A very, _very_ sad one. It makes me wonder what's happened.

I suppose it could be his divorce, although the way he spoke of the former Mrs. Crane, she wasn't a very decent human being. I can't possibly imagine anyone taking advantage of a man as kind as Dr. Crane. It's just a horrible thing. And all those times he'd come over, feeling absolutely horrible and looking the part... It's enough to make a person sick.

But, people get away with horrible things these days, and innocent people get put through hell. It's sort of like that saying, "What goes around comes around", except for the fact that some people never get whats coming to them, and others get everything they never deserved...

_-=-_

I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm sitting here, driving around the outskirts of Seattle and wallowing in self pity as I listen to The Dr. Frasier Crane Show. It only goes to show how desperately I need someone to tell me everything will be fine... How impossible I feel it is to ask for that sort of reassurance.

Today's theme is love, which is both horrible and sadistically ironic. It seems as though my brother is doing this show on my behalf. As if he knows how badly I need something to tell me everything will be alright. I guess he does, as I've spent the last few nights on the phone with him from dusk until he insists I hang up the damn reciever and get some sleep.

Sleep just makes me never want to wake up.

Frasier's on the line with a woman named Jen, who claims her husband doesn't love her anymore. If she's half as wonderful as Daphne is, I think her argument is unstable.

As I'm listening to my brother, dispensing advice like a vending machine, I notice my cell phone, sitting easily on the dashboard of my car. I know the number to his show... he gives it out just before every commercial break. I want to call. I need to call...

Suddenly, I'm sitting on the side of the road, shutting off my car, and dialing a number that feels familiar, even though I've never called in before.

"You've reached the Dr. Frasier Crane Show," Roz says into my ear. "What's your name, and your problem?"

"Roz, it's Niles..."

She sounds surprised. "Niles? God, what're you doing, calling the show?"

"Look," I say. "whatever you do, put me on next. Don't tell Frasier it's really me... I'll let you have the joy of giving me a pseudonym, and I'm fairly sure you know my problem..."

Dead air. Within seconds, I hear my brother's radio-voice, "Welcome, Alvin, and please, explain the nature of your puzzle..."

Alvin...? Damn Roz's sense of humor.

"Well," I say. "The love of my life's getting married... and not to me."

The rest comes out -- although names are either neglected or changed -- in a heap of words strung together with choking sobs and tears that I've been crying over and over again. Frasier _does_ know it's me. He tries to be diplomatic about his advice, but ends up giving me the same thing I've been hearing for the past two or three weeks: "Alvin, I know you love this woman. I can tell by the tone of your voice when you speak about her... But it's either tell her how you feel and risk everyone's happiness, or stand by in silence and watch her enjoy her life. The choice is yours..."

"Can't you lead me in the right direction, Dr. Crane? I've been nearly suicidal ever since I found out..."

"No... I... I'm afraid I can't."

I'm sure he can hear me crying through the speakerphone.

_-=-_


	5. Pardon My French

_-=-_

**A/N:** A quick note to Dan and Renee: I _do_ want to see Niles cry. How often do you see any men cry these days? They've all been convinced that it's not a masculine thing to do. Most of the fanfic process depends on interpretation. My interpretation of Niles is that he's emotionally stiff in order to keep appearance, but when he's by himself, he lets go... 

_-=-_

_"I'll forget you  
The more you stay inside of me, the weaker I grow  
I'll forget you  
Tomorrow I will turn and let you go  
I'll grow colder  
I'll lose myself in anything but you now  
For there is nothing I can do now...but forget "_

Frank Wildhorn/Nan Knighton, I'll Forget you

  


I've made a very stern resolution, as of late. I'm going to...forget about her. It's going to be hard, of course, because every time I even see a woman that isn't Daphne, comparisons jump into my head, and I always end up thinking any other woman is pond scum when put against the beautiful physical therapist I've been in love with all these years...

But I've met a girl, again. A girl who doesn't remind me of Daphne at all. A girl to take my mind off of Daphne... Poppy is, simply put, somewhat smitten with me. I have no idea how it happened. I was introduced to her, and suddenly she began spouting compliments and flirtations... I don't know how it happened, but I like it.

She's interested. Maris wasn't. Daphne isn't.

And now I've got Poppy... Attractive, charming, alluring Poppy. And she likes me, which seems to be a first. She's partially intellegent, too, which is a bit more than I could ever say for Kit. Kit was fun. But Poppy... Poppy's extraordinary. 

Oh, why am I kidding myself?... She's a Barbie doll.

...I don't understand it. Every time. Every damn time there's a woman that isn't Daphne, she's dull, strange, emotionally barren... I manage to find fault with every single one of them, whether I announce it to the world or simply keep it to myself. They're all imperfect... Maybe because I can have them.

I often spend time wondering if my love for Daphne is nothing more than a lust for something I can't have. Is it just that her fair skin and dark eyes are so enchanting because I don't wake up to them each morning? Because my fingers haven't gotten lost her her hair? Because I've kissed her once, and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced? ...Am I addicted to a wanting? One desperate idea that the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is the only one who can make me happy...

And then, there are times when she opens the door to me, her eyes glowing with an inner light and her smile ensnaring my heart that I know this can't possibly be a case of desire, because I don't want her. I _need_ her...

Daphne is like oxygen. From the moment you take your first breath, you can't help needing it to survive. Those days when she answers the door, I inhale as deeply as I possibly can by watching her. Listening to her. Delighting myself with the thought that she's happy... And when I leave, I exhale. Then the world always seems to become a much darker place.

Lack of oxygen can cause a person to asphyxiate...

_-=-_

Daphne was with Donny, sharing a meal at some little café she didn't remember the name of. The food was excellent, and Donny was being quite the gentleman... But something was troubling her. Something she had heard on the radio that day.

She had been listening to Dr. Crane's show while she did the laundry, carrying a little radio that clips onto one's pocket and has headphones. And just as she was finishing a load, a caller named Alvin was announced. Alvin sounded an awful lot like the younger Dr. Crane...

Dr. Crane and his brother had been having several late-night phone conversations lately, although Daphne could never tell what they were saying... every word of it was in French. She had supposed, at the time, that it must be something terribly private if they didn't want eavesdroppers... both she and Mr. Crane had a record for exactly that.

She was very distracted, and Donny was noticing. She just couldn't stop thinking of Alvin, and the younger Dr. Crane, and the phone, and the possibilities...

_Oui, Niles... Je comprends complètement... Oui... Mon Dieu, je ne vois aucune raison pour celle! Je jure, je ne dirai pas un mot à Daphne. Puits, J'apprécie que vous voulez discuter vos problèmes avec moi, mais il est tard, et je suis fatigué... Et Niles, ne s'inquiètent pas trop. Vous oublierez Daphne dans votre propre temps..._

But no. Dr. Crane was her very good friend, and if he was interested in her, he would certainly say so. He had always been very open with her. That was one of Daphne's favorite things about him.

And yet...

_Oui, je sais que vous avez besoin de Daphne... Je sais qu'il est aussi important que l'oxygène..._

And yet, one can never really be sure, can one?... How unsettling.

_-=-_


	6. Tear Yourself Away

_-=-_

I haven't thought about her for several days now. It's very strange -- on one account, I'm horribly relieved. For six years I've been afraid that I wouldn't live another day without needing her. Here I am, after so many days of aching and wishing, bereft of her. However, I'm also beginning to feel... empty. I think Daphne fills a void in my life. Something left by the absence of my mother, perhaps, or maybe a lack of warmth from Maris. But now that I've completely given up on my goddess, everything I think just echoes. Every private consideration rings hollow, because that hope I've carried along with me has died.

Well... There's not much that can be done now, is there?

She's been going on and on about the wedding plans every time I've seen her. We've even had small conversations on the nature of the decorations. She told me, amazingly enough, that I was much easier to talk to than Frasier. She said that I understood her, and was sensitive to _her_ wishes. On any account, it's going to be a gorgeous, yet quaint, ceremony at a hotel somewhere. She didn't quite know yet, but she was very excited.

I'm excited for her.

The look in her eyes when she spoke of him made me wonder if anyone ever loved me as much as Daphne loves Donny. Has anyone ever mentioned me with the same tone of affection, eyes sparkling with memories? Has there ever been any man who wanted to be just a little bit of me, the way I wish I had the same charm as my love's robust fiancee? 

Somehow I doubt it. Maris failed to bring me up in civilized conversation, unless she thought I might be able to get us into a higher category of society. The platinum membership of a day-spa, box seats at the opera, forty percent off a set of botox injections...

I suppose it doesn't really matter. After all, eventually I'll find someone. Someone who loves me, and wants children, and has excellent taste in all aspects... She's got to be out there, _somewhere_

_-=-_


	7. The Introduction of Dr Karnofsky

_-=-_

_"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not." _

-La Rochefoucauld 

  


I met another girl. This time, in a most peculiar way -- she's Maris's plastic surgeon. There was a slight conflict with billing information, and when I went to go straighten it out... She isn't gorgeous, such as a certain other person, whom I will neglect to mention for my own sanity. But Mel -- Dr. Melinda Karnofsky -- is immaculate. Prim, clean and neat, not a spot on her graceful figure. She's intellegent, poised, delicate...

And I think she might need me, at least a little bit.

I'm not pretending that we're made for each other. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure if we're going to enjoy each other at all. But we have so much in common... There couldn't be much that would go wrong, could there? Nothing more than what happened with Her...

Quite a bit went wrong with Her. There were hidden meanings, longing glances, and nearly everything else that could be found in a typical case of unrequited love. Every sentence was a misunderstanding on her part... No. Every sentence was something of a Freudian slip on mine. _I'm_ the one who had to look her directly in the eyes on our first meeting. _I'm_ the one who fell deep into the hypnotizm of Daphne within five minutes...

But we're not talking about that. Not again.

...Back to Mel. We've actually got a date. I was amazed that I had courage enough to utter the invitation to dinner, even more so when she accepted. My heart did not flutter, of course, but this is progress. I no longer feel sick when I see perspective girlfriends. Only when I think of them as perspective girlfriends...

But again, I'm moving along the path to recovery. Eventually, my heart will heal, and I'll be able to live a somewhat happy life... at the very least. I've decided to devote myself to that small portion of inner peace. After all, I do deserve a bit of closure. 

I'm just having trouble wanting it.

_-=-_


	8. Injury, Insult, and Determination

_-=-_

_"This life's dim windows of the soul   
Distorts the heavens from pole to pole   
And leads you to believe a lie   
When you see with, not through, the eye."_

-William Blake, The Everlasting Gospel

  


We -- the family -- had a brunch for Mel today. I suppose it went smoothly enough... She was charming, they were welcoming, and everyone was getting along quite nicely, I thought... Then she was paged, and had to leave. After bidding her goodbye, I stepped back into Frasier's apartment, intending to ask everyone's opinion of her. I did. Everyone was avoiding the question, very uncomfortable looks on their faces...

Daphne came in, and told me, quite knowingly, exactly what she thought of her replacement. She doesn't like her one bit. No one does. And the thing that gets me is, they're right. 

Daphne's right.

Daphne was completely inebriated, and in the middle of ordering pizza when she announced that Mel was bossy, fussy, and... completely wrong for me. I was sober and unoccupied, and still didn't dare admit to myself what everyone else exclaimed. Mel is, quite often, a considerably unpleasant human being.

I don't know how it happened, but suddenly I'm realizing everything Daphne said about her. 

A strange note: I only hate these things when Mel and I are apart. When we're together, we're as happy as a man with a broken heart and a manipulative woman could be. This isn't nearly as happy as I could be with a certain other woman, whom I will neglect to mention in order to keep myself going, but I suppose it's happy enough. And the solution to the annoyance I feel when we're apart, I think, is to spend more time with her.

Maybe then I'll grow to accept her strange idiosyncrasies. Maybe I'll be able to forget everything Daphne said about my...

My girlfriend.

_-=-_


	9. Milquetoast

**A/N:** I would just like to apologize for not getting this chapter up a bit sooner. I haven't really had a whole boatload of time to write, what with the holidays, plus I just got over a horrible bout of the 'flu. Anyway, without any further delay, Chapter nine.

_-=-_

_"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." _

-David Borenstein, January 28, 2000 

  


Well, here's an interesting bit of news: I'm married. Mel and I decided to elope the other day. I don't really know where it started -- she was talking about the two of us living together, and I had decided not to mind the idea so much. And as we discussed it, the both of us got horribly excited... And now I'm a husband. Dr. Mr. Dr. Melinda Karnofsky.

So. Here I am. With my wife. Dr. Mrs. Dr. Niles Crane. We're together, and unless things go terribly wrong, I'll never be alone again; an idea that has turned into a very refreshing...

Oh my _God_, I'm married! I'm married to _Mel_! She's right next to me in bed, little mouth sighing as she sleeps the rest of the night away. She doesn't know that I'm about to panic. She doesn't know that I'm lying here, horrified that it's _her_, and not someone else... 

...Am I using her? Using her to fill the hole in my heart, which -- by logic -- won't go away until I'm holding someone else in my arms? Is Mel following in the footsteps of everyone else I've dated since Daphne and Donny became engaged? No... I don't think I could do that to a person, although I wouldn't be surprised if what I am exhibiting at the moment is a rather pathetic case of denial. And people only go into denial when there's something they don't want to admit. In this case, what I suppose I don't want to admit is...

I'm a heartless cad.

Oh my God. I'm a male version of Maris -- thoughtless and cold because I can't have what I want.

Oh my God -- I'm a monster...

Well. Maybe not a monster, per se, but I'm sure as hell not acting like a decent human being.

I should wake her up. I should tell her this was all a mistake, and that she's better off without me, and...

But is that being self-depricating? By proclaiming that I'm weighing Mel down, am I speaking the truth or putting myself down in order to justify my behavior? Am I _really_ a milquetoast of a man who can't express himself and has trouble seeing other people with something he doesn't have? or do I act this way in order to get what I want?

Is Niles Crane really the person that everyone thinks he is?

Am I out of character?

_-=-_


	10. Consideration

**A/N:** The Author would like to remind some reviewers of season seven's Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (1):

"I've come attuned to her various quirks... eccentricities... bugaboos.... bête noirs... night terrors. "

I'm fairly sure Niles had more than an inkling as to Mel's character, and if he said _that_ much to Frasier, there must have been more going through his mind.

_-=-_

Sometimes I think life's a dream. Sometimes, everything happens so quickly, I'm almost certain that I'm having some strange nightmare, because nothing else is compacted tight enough to fit an eight-hour period of time. That's how life's been for me lately. Everything has been so terribly fast-paced...

For example, I found out a couple of weeks ago that Dr. Crane's brother is in love with me. Since then, everything has gone completely out of my control. I find myself thinking of him constantly, worrying about my impending marriage to Donny, trying to convince myself that I _can_ go through with the marriage because I do love Donny. Because he's the man I've always wanted. And yet, Dr. Crane is still lurking in the back of my mind. 

My wedding is in three days, and I'm not sure I'll be happy with the groom.

This sounds so ridiculous! Even though Dr. Crane has always been so kind to me, and has always cared for my well-being, I have no idea how I feel towards him at all! I still have a vision of him as a friend... Or maybe I don't, and I'm too terrified to admit it.

These are very strange thoughts, as I'm laying in the dark, completely by myself. I wish someone were around that I could talk to. Someone who could convince me of one thing or the other, because I've always hated being caught between two things, and I'm growing so tired of having my thoughts jump from Donny to Dr. Crane so rapidly...

But I always feel more comfortable thinking about Dr. Crane. 

And quite frankly, I have no idea of what to do.

_-=-_

I woke up this morning thinking everything was a dream. I thought I was in bed at home, completely alone. But when I opened my eyes, I saw Mel, and I was reminded of everything that had transpired.

I don't regret things, really. After all, Mel does take my mind off of Daphne, which will be especially helpful when we go out for her wedding. But I just can't help thinking that I'm doing something wrong here. Mel, although rather pushy, can be quite nice if she wants to. There is, however, something that bothers me about her party faces, and her fake laughs, and her false interest in other people's boring stories...

It just doesn't seem very... real.

She is a plastic surgeon, of course, which means she isn't really accustomed to showing the truth. I just wish she would try not to lie so much.

We're going home later this morning. Back to Seattle, and to wedding plans, and to Daphne. 

And I'll have to think of Mel.

_-=-_


	11. Dancing with Daphne, Wishing for Niles

**A/N:** Special thanks to Daniel, for getting the belowmentioned song stuck in my head. This is dedicated to Washu, who made my day. 

_-=-_

_"With all of this I feel now  
Everything inside of my heart  
It all just seems to be how  
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all  
Again I wait for this to pull apart  
To break my time in two  
Another night with her  
But I'm always wanting you"_

blink-182, All of This

  


I'm dancing with Daphne.

We finished the rehearsal dinner not too long ago, and upon entering the bar, Donny asked Mel to dance.

Leaving Daphne and I alone. And now we're dancing. Despite the subtle cruelty of it all, this could quite possibly be the best night I'll have in a very long time.

She's wearing a sleeveless blue cocktail dress, and I have a perfect view of the perfect skin of her perfect shoulders. Should I want to, I could shift my head and "accidentally" brush my lips against her lovely neck... A year or two ago I would have jumped at the chance, but now it just doesn't seem necessary. She is engaged, after all, and although I am considered a dear friend, there is little chance we'll ever dance like this again.

I'm not going to ruin the moment. I just wish this song would end with a kiss resembling the one we shared a little over four years ago.

_-=-_

Sometimes I really hate life. Like the night after Dr. Crane and Mel announced that they had eloped: I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I cried. I cried and cried for hours, even after I was sure there shouldn't be anything left in me. I wasn't even sure _why_ I was crying. Just because Dr. Crane was married, and no one seemed to care that I had something to say...

The next day Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane spent several hours in town. I fixed myself a bed on the sofa, opened a box of chocolates that my friend, Charlotte, had given me as a congratulations for getting engaged, watched a _Lifetime_ movie and stuffed my face.

I hate life now, too.

I'm dancing with Dr. Crane's brother.

I just don't understand this. All of those tears, and I convince myself that I don't love him. That whole, hellish day, and I pretend it's just jitters. I hold up just fine, until he takes me in his arms and we dance. 

This is different than dancing with Donny. With Donny, I worry about posture, conversation, terms of endearment. With Dr. Crane, I feel the only thing in the world that will make me happy is if we never move. With Donny, I worry about responding to his kisses. With Dr. Crane, I find myself wishing he would give me some to respond to. With Donny, I wonder if I'm making the right decision.

But even _standing_ next to Dr. Crane, I know that I should change my mind. He smells so wonderful, and cares so much, and has the cutest little chuckle when he feels accomplished... and the saddest eyes when something's wrong. _Oh God, I want to kiss him..._

Donny, I guess, is The Piranha. Dr. Crane will have to be a different version of The One That Got Away.

The thing that worries me a bit, is that you can find more than one piranha. The one that got away is nearly extinct, and usually people have to make up stories about ever having an encounter with one.

_-=-_


	12. The Alcohol and the Drunkard

**A/N:** Just a quick note, so that you guys don't get freaked out -- the balcony part isn't going to be exactly like it was on the show. 

_-=-_

_"It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable ... marriage."_

David Hyde Pierce as Niles Crane, Adventures in Paradise

I've danced with Donny once, and I already need a drink. This says just a little bit too much about our relationship nowadays. He kisses me, I make up an excuse to leave. We dance, I go to get drunk off my ass so that maybe I can forget about him and focus on something that doesn't make me so bloody nervous. Unfortunately, the only thing my drink is making me thing of is Niles.

...When did I start calling him that?

_-=-_

Oh God, I can't breathe...

The one thing I've dreamt of for the past six years -- the slightest, tiniest whisper of a chance that Daphne _might_ have feelings for me -- is finally a bit more than a wish that I've locked in my head and kept entirely to myself. I would be rhapsodizing; writing anything and everything about her beauty, kindness, how much I love her... Except for that thing that keeps my lungs from cooperating: She's considering me, yes. But she's on the brink of matrimony, and I'm already caught up in the fall.

Of course, I'd leave Mel in an instant if I ever thought... If Daphne ever...

I can't focus. Frasier's in the room somewhere, but I'd rather not pay attention to him right now. I think he's saying something, but I can't really understand it through the sound of my heart hammering against my rib cage.

He stands. I stand, and nearly fall over. He opens the door...

And there's Daphne. Innocent eyes, sprinkled with light confusion and artificial cheer. Pale cheeks, coloring somewhat as she notices me. Delicate lips, turning into a minute frown as she watches the man she came upstairs with... Donny... and Frasier leave.

Her slender hands are shaking as she enters the room, and we find ourselves completely alone.

Thank heavens my lungs started working again. 

_-=-_


	13. One Barrier Down

_-=-_

_"Tell me what you want of me  
Or are you terrified of failure?   
You put on a superstitious face  
Behind all this paraphernalia  
We're not living in a masquerade  
Where you only have three wishes  
It isn't easy to see  
In a lifetime of mistaken kisses"_

Elvis Costello, Clown Strike

He's looking at me. I'm not facing on him, but it's not as though I could ignore the feel of the Crane eyes traveling over my skin, slowly causing goosebumps wherever they happen to linger. They aren't bad goosebumps. It's a sort of familiar discomfort, I suppose, although I don't know why. The only thing I can know for sure is that I'm terrified of something that might not even happen.

But if it _does_ happen, it could be within the next few minutes that I find my life drastically shifting direction.

Part of me wants to hear him say that he's over me. That there's nothing I could possibly do to ever regain his affection, although we should remain dear friends. But then I feel that if he doesn't love me, I'll be sick. 

Worse... I'm afraid I'll die.

You hear about people dying of heartbreak all the time. Widowers who were so sad after their wives passed on that there was nothing left to do but give up the ghost themselves; at least one teenage girl or boy who has committed suicide because their boyfriend or girlfriend was cheating. But the thing I find interesting is that you never hear about anyone in my situation: someone completely unsure of her emotions, but ready to die either way the story goes.

What am I saying? I don't even know if Dr. Crane still... if he even considers me romantically...

"Daphne," I've always found his voice very comforting. He's seemed to care so much over the years... and it seems to mean more now that I know for certain he was being sincere. I don't know why... I never doubted his caring for me before...

I like the way he says my name. I've only ever heard it shouted -- as in "What the hell are you doing, Daphne?!" -- or recited automatically -- as in "Hello, Daphne,". But Dr. Crane says it gently, fervently almost. As though through saying my name he's keeping his hope alive. I don't think I've ever felt more special in my life...

But I can't be thinking that, now. I'm getting married soon. No room for anyone but Donny...

"Daphne, I... I know that you know,"

Or not.

_-=-_

Oh my God, what am I doing? Standing up, summoning all of my courage just so that I can be shot down? Why is it that I can never make myself understand that by doing these sorts of things, someone is bound to be hurt? That someone is usually me? That I am crucifying myself right now, standing here and looking into the beautiful face of Daphne Moon, the only woman I have ever cared this deeply for?

She's the only woman I've ever wanted, really... And I'm going to ruin everything I have with her just because I'm suddenly feeling brave?

"You -- you what?"

That seems to be the current string of events, yes...

She's staring at me. Although I've waited for this moment for the better part of my friendship with her, it doesn't seem to be in quite the way that I pictured her to look. Shocked, alarmed and somewhat panicked... My self-esteem is just perking right up...

She crosses to the minibar, opens the first thing she reaches and takes a very large drink. I wish I were that bottle, clutched firmly in her hands with glittering lip prints pressed upon me. Something that she wants... 

To be something desired by Daphne Moon... Oh, the thought makes my heart ache. If she could look at me -- even sometime in the future -- and think to herself, "What a charming man Dr. Crane is,"... If she could look at my lips, the way I look at hers, and pray that someday they may be more than a distant and wishful thought... If she could stare right into my eyes, the way she's doing now, and see how much I need her. If she could understand that, with all my heart and soul, she is the only thing I live for...

"Frasier told me," I continue, feeling very lightheaded. "He told me that the two of you had a ... a bit of an interesting conversation about... the two of us."

God, could there be anything more awkward?

She's going to be angry that Frasier relinquished her secret. She's going to be sick that I know. She's going to stare, then accuse me of trying to ruin what she has with Donny, turn on her heel and --

"Yes... Yes, we did."

I can feel my eyes widening, and I can hear her breath catching in her throat as we both wait for the other to say something. I want to speak desperately... I want to ask if there is still a possiblity that she could ever... that she could ever love me.

"He said that you mentioned the fact that you had been..." How do you say something as strange as what I want to ask? How do you word a request for a not-quite love-affair? "...thinking of me..."

Oh. I guess that works.

She presses her lips together, forming a very tight and impenetrable-looking line. And...

...She nods.

Oh God, she's been thinking of me! Even if it wasn't in a romantic sense, I would gladly pay a million dollars to have such a perfect, heavenly masterpiece thinking of _me_...

"Daphne," Oh, what am I doing now? "Daphne, I... There is..."

She gives me an innocent look, and it comes all at once.

"Daphne Moon... I have been in love with you for an unbearably long time. I have hardly thought of anything but you since the day God granted me the gift of your acquaintance... There is no room left inside of me for anything but you, and please... if these thoughts you've been having are anywhere close to passionate, tell me. I can handle rejection, my angel, but I'm afraid the suspense is eating away at my sanity..."

She stares at me in complete silence, eyes even wider than before and now slightly watery. Then the door bursts open, and the hordes of Moon Family rush in.

Another moment interrupted.

_-=-_


	14. The Balcony

_-=-_

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think... I was just about proposed to by Niles Crane, on the eve of my wedding, my borthers are swarming around like drunken fleas, Dr. Crane slipped off and...

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Of course, I've already made a commitment to Donny -- I can't very well leave him and give him so much embarrassment... But Dr. Crane is so... inviting. And not because of his money, or because he's somewhat better-looking than my current fiancé. I just feel so much more comfortable with Niles than I do with Donny...

But I made a promise to Donny -- Dr. Crane made _more_ than a promise to Mel. They're on their honeymoon!

...But what am I saying? He hasn't asked me to do anything final. He just wanted to know if I've been thinking of him the way I used to think of Donny, so obviously the answer is a very firm and steady yes.

_-=-_

I never thought I would be able to do that. I never thought the words "Daphne, I love you," would ever come out of my mouth when she was near me. I didn't ever believe that I could have the courage to do something as monumental as...

I went out on the balcony when her brothers came in. They've always made me a bit uncomfortable, and the aftermath of the scene Daphne and I just played was not something that would encourage goodwill from the eight English brutes. Knowing Simon, at least, he would make allusions to things that... weren't happening. Things that I'm not going to think about so that I'm able to keep breathing...

It's a warm night. Then again, maybe it's not. Lord knows I _do_ have reason enough to be a bit feverish... (_Steady, Niles. Inhale, exhale..._)

"Dr. Crane?"

She comes and stands beside me, positively shaking with fright but glowing as she stares up at the moon. There are a few minutes of silence, and then the air gets a bit tighter...

"Lovely night," I say. I'd much rather hear the soft tones of her voice than this annoying emptiness we seem to be trapped in... 

"Mmm..."

I can feel my grip tightening on the railing of the balcony, because my mind doesn't focus on the sound. I am fortunate enough to think of the fact that Daphne's lips are vibrating, which sends me into an entirely different world... 

"Stars are out, sky's clear..." I've found the best way to keep in touch with reality is conversation, founded on the fact that there are some things certain people will say in your head that they won't outside of it. 

Another thick silence...

"I haven't answered your question, Dr. Crane..."

She looks at me from the corner of her eye and wrings her hands nervously. 

"I know." All in your own time, my love. I'd gladly go insane waiting for you.

She turns to face me very slowly, and the expression on her angelic face is enough to send my heart racing... which it does, of course, because this night would be incomplete without a bit of fear, adrenaline, and...

Passion, because the minute I turn to face her as well she's upon me, and I'm pinned against the wall. And her mouth is viciously assaulting mine, and her hands have a very firm grasp on my hair, and dear God I'm going to wake up now, aren't I?!

She gradually lets go of me, which isn't exactly something I want, and rests her forehead on my shoulder. "Please don't move, Dr. Crane..."

I'm much too shocked and overwhelmed and desperately happy to even think of such a thing.

_-=-_


End file.
